HELLO YOU! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
A SEISMIC SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEKEND.
So much so that I am compelled to share my journal entry with you. I’ve been making handwritten notes of my Developing Your Creative Practice work for the last few months, since I received my funding from Arts Council England. Until today, 13 June 2022, none of my other entries even has a date assigned. Today is different, today has seen a remarkable new development.
I said ‘Well, hello you’ to a John long lost.
About time we reacquainted and took a hard look at life’s journey from my old self to myself now. Time to be truthful about who I have become compared with the young man who originally embarked on his creative journey. I wanted to reconnect to that path. I have happily taken the detours which came my way and I am proud of all the creations that I have produced with NOCTURN. However, remembering I am still a gay man who wants, no, not strong enough, simply needs to dance, I am so very glad to re-find and continue that ambition. And also to dare to perform. A much-needed wake-up call as a creator.
Is today important because recent studio outings have felt like epic fails? Armed with my dramaturg, Lou Cope’s,suggestions, I couldn’t bring myself to look or explore or even physically move. I felt like a fraud. Empty. A creator who made movement with no meaning or intention. On my own have I been reduced to a gay bloke faffing around in the studio. Harsh and unjust maybe but that’s how I felt at the time.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A SPACE MAKES!
Or is today so special because I’m testing out one of the gorgeous new dance studios of South East Dance?
The environment is definitely having an effect on me. It’s a privilege to have time here in the Weston Research Space, special thanks to the SED team. How is it that some spaces just impart a physical presence? It feels like coming home, quietly and confidently saying, go do your thing, John. I feel safe to take risks. And my journal hasn’t seen so much scribble nor have I moved so differently.
I am also affected by having yesterday participated in BOTH Teacher’s Rehab Sunday workshops. Firstly, exploring connections and overlaps between Stella Subbiah’s Bharatnatyam dance/performance practices and then, Heni Hale’s somatic training. The afternoon was a right of passage. I questioned and, at times, rejected what was kindly offered, taking a personal journey which seemed removed from the initial intention of the workshop. I got angry with myself for it, but then suddenly, as with all creative processes if you keep investing in them, something wonderful emerged. I realised that I was creating something just for me; not for anyone else and without the heavy burden of making an end product. It was therapeutic to just be in my body. It reminded me so much of one of Twila Tharpe’s Creative Habit exercises that demonstrates through anger and frustration wonderful new movement flourishes.
Today, once again tackling Lou’s provocations, a flood gate of observations and realisations opened up to me. For example, I discovered happiness in my world is aligning my physicality with the sound and lighting of my environment, all harmonising as one expressive whole. Feeling the weightless seconds hurtling to a peak before your inevitable descent. Joyful. Peaceful. Epic in its expansiveness but always fleeting. And, for the first time in my life, I found that making indescribable sounds while moving makes me dance as a whole. Feels so bloody odd but wonderfully liberating.
To wrap up my session I opened the blinds to perform exposed to the passers-by. It felt ritualistic and poetic, saying to myself and the wider world: here I am, take me as you find me! Older. Richer in life experiences. Marked and bruised by life. Still here, And, most importantly, still an expressive dancer.